Foreword
I started pursuing romantic relationships at a young age, and my relationships used to end consistently poorly. Now I have much healthier relationships. This post will describe that transition.
Writing this post feels somewhat premature considering my longest relationship was merely two years; however because my relationships have progressively improved, I feel comfortable reflecting on and sharing that process.
The soulmate myth
There is no special “one”
I need two hands to count how many times I've thought, "She might be the one." There is no special "one," and that is a beautiful thing. We need to overcome this myth to have healthier relationships.
The soulmate myth puts us into scarcity mode. People quickly jump into relationships to “lock up” their “one” before they can slip away, but really it would be better to take things slow and consider our options. Further, once we are in a relationship, the soulmate myth creates an unhealthy dependency and clouds our ability to see the situation clearly.
We continue to blindly accept this myth despite counterevidence everywhere. Just consider the recently widowed wife or husband of 30 years who quickly finds a new partner or the three-time divorcee. Does he or she have three "soul mates?"
Good and Bad “fits”
There may be no special “one,” but there are certainly good and bad “fits.” Sometimes we fit well with a partner and other not. Also, there are specific pros and cons to each partner, and that’s ok. We cannot expect a perfect fit.
We should assess partners in this relative frame rather than an absolute frame.
Relative > Absolute
Improve yourself
I was strolling along the California coast when the voice in my head said, "You can't love the world until you love yourself." This thought inspired me to take better care of myself. It is the easiest and best way to improve our relationships.
Start inwards and work outwards.
Easy ways to improve ourself
Get in better shape
intermittent fasting
exercise
Eliminate addictions
sugar and excess carbs
pornography
social media
alcohol
nicotine
marijuana
Become passionate about something and start working hard
School
Work
Foreign/computer language
content creation
gardening, etc.
Improve our physical appearance
exercise
posture
hair cut
clothing
stop eating food that gives you acne
Start inwards and work outwards
Consequences of improving yourself
There are two significant consequences of improving yourself. Firstly, you will gain self-confidence and naturally treat yourself and others better. Secondly, other people will treat you better because you have demonstrated respectability. When I returned to my hometown after a year of studying, traveling, and improving my health, women who I have known for years treated me entirely differently.
Asking for feedback
We are often blind to our biggest flaws, so it helps to ask people who know you well. Over the summer, I texted some ex-girlfriends, “What are my worst character traits?” When I got a similar answer from a couple of them, I knew what I had to work on.
Accept other people for who they are
How often do you hear people say shit like, "He's great, but a little lazy." or "She's wonderful but a horrible cook." A common mistake is to be in relationships with people whom we don’t or can’t accept. I think this has its roots in the "soul mate" myth. We will stay with our special someone despite obvious signs that we shouldn't.
If there is a flaw about someone we cannot accept, no one says we need to be with them. On the other hand, if we decide to be with them despite their flaw, we should stop complaining and accept them for how they are. A middle ground of complaining serves no one.
Don’t try to fix other people— fix yourself and accept other people
Don't put all your eggs in one basket— at first
Early on, a common mistake is to feel excited about a prospective partner and make a dash for monogamy. This is a mistake because the initial excitement usually wears off after a couple of months and then we are left wondering if we made the right decision. I am not against monogamy, in fact, I plan on getting married. However, I am against rushed monogomy. Our time is our most valuable commodity and we should be slow to commit it to anyone.
Be honest and transparent
Imagine you're married and your spouse cooks a special meal every year for your birthday. Only thing is you HATE that meal, but don't dare to tell them after all the years of pretending. What is the inevitable result? You will grow to resent them for your mistake of withholding the truth. Avoiding unpleasant truths sends us down unsustainable paths with long-term blow-up risks.
The second part of this honesty is not doing things we don't want to do. However, if we do decide to take part in an activity solely for our significant other, we should make it known that is our intention to not slide into unsustainable pretending.
Live in the Now
In college, I dated a Korean exchange student. Her hometown, Seoul, is as far away from my hometown as you can get, so it was obvious our relationship would end when she got on the plane after Christmas. While this sounds tragic, and I was sad to see her go, it was an eye-opening experience.
Before dating her, I tended to drift into the soulmate myth and mistake every current girlfriend as "the one," but with her, as much as I fancied her, it was just too improbable. Instead, we spent a few wonderful months together before peacefully going our separate ways.
I also realized the soul mate myth makes a relationship high pressure. Soon, anxiety about the future, and planning your life together sets in. Finding our direction is hard enough without the need for it to revolve around our supposed soul mate.
Avoid excessive alcohol
This point is important because excessive alcohol consumption is one of the easiest ways to destroy your relationships.
Have principles
When I was living with my girlfriend in Germany, we had principles. The easiest way to set principles is with If/then statements. For example,
If Charlotte cooks, then Connor does the dishes.
Principles reduce stress and miscommunication because they eliminate the need to make decisions— think Steve Jobs wearing turtle neck and Jeans. Once you decide on a principle, you save yourself time and energy moving forward. Learn how to set principles within your relationships.
Relationship as work myth
I do not work. Well, technically, if you counted up the number of hours I spend teaching at school, creating content, and learning new things, it would well surpass 60 hours per week. However, hardly any of it feels like work. Good relationships should be the same.
For some reason, we have publicly agreed a good relationship needs to feel like work. However, I believe if the relationship feels like work, there is something wrong. That’s not to say every second of a relationship needs to be blissful euphoria; however, if your relationship is consistently subtracting energy rather than adding energy to your life, there is something wrong.
"Men don't marry and have children in order to be miserable, but to be happy." - Epictetus
Great blog! Love the reflections and self improvement is a great way to live your best life. When you know who you are and what you like, never underestimate the power of falling in love at first sight!❤️