Never Split the Difference pt. 1

A fantastic book about negotiation

August 25, 2022: Greetings from Munich, Germany

I’ve arrived back in Germany. We’re staying in an Airbnb filled with Buddhas and candles.

In the past 7 years, I’ve been to 17 countries, but Munich has always been my favorite city. The nature and architecture are both breathtaking. So if you visit Germany, I’d have Munich at the top of my list!

Never Split the Difference pt. 1

As I mentioned in our last post, I’ve been reading Never Split the Difference by Former FBI negotiator Chris Ross.

Great book

And since I’ve been on sales calls throughout August, I’ve had a chance to test the tactics in real-time. Let me tell you, the book is the real deal and helped me land my first multi 4 figure monthly client.

But don’t worry, despite the harsh name, the book is not endorsing unethical behavior. Instead, it’s a master class on how to communicate effectively.

Here’s the breakdown from Chapter 1.

Chapter 1 — Negotiation is irrational

The book starts with the claim that negotiation isn’t a rational problem based on facts and figures but an irrational emotional-framing problem— despite what Ivy League academics would have you believe.

So to negotiate well, you must first understand how and why humans are irrational.

According to the author, negotiation takes place in System 1

“Conducting negotiations based on System 2 (rational) concepts without the tools to read, understand and manipulate the System 1 emotional underpinning was like trying to make an omelet without first knowing how to crack an egg.”

And many cognitive biases cloud our thinking, like loss aversion (we prefer to avert a loss than to achieve an equal gain).

(if you’re interested in more cognitive biases, you may enjoy Charlie Mungers 25 Common Cognitive Biases from the Psychology of Human Misjudgment)

Chapter 2 — Be a Mirror

Your goal at the outset:

Extract and observe as much information as possible.

"Make your sole and all-encompassing focus the other person and what they have to say"

Just like in 7 Habits of Highly Effective People:

And to discover information, we have to avoid the dangerous trap of assuming we already know the answers:

How to Mirror (and Why it’s persuasive)

This might be the most important and easiest tool in the book.

To mirror someone, you simply repeat the last three words (or 3 of the most important words) of what they just said:

“Honey you never wash the dishes, you’re such a bum.”

“I’m such a bum?”

If you mirror someone and wait 4 seconds, they will almost always go on to explain themself in other words. And it is a much better way to diffuse a situation.

It also triggers trust because “humans fear what is difference and are drawn to what’s similar.” So by mirroring their speech, you can build rapport.

You might be thinking, won’t they notice I’m mirroring them?

Ever since I read this book, I mirror in every conversation, and no one has ever said anything to me… but try it yourself.

Chapter 3 — Don’t Feel Their Pain. Label it.

“Emotions aren’t the obstacles, they are the means.”

Chris recommends you employ something called tactical empathy.

The more you know about someone, the more power you have.

So tactical empathy is the ability to recognize the perspective of a counterpart and vocalize that recognition.

It’s simply trying to understand where someone is coming from and express your understanding to them vocally.

Warning:

When you label someone, be careful to use impersonal language:

• It seems like…

• It sounds like…

• It looks like..

Because if you say, “I think you are X,” you may trigger defensiveness in your counterpart.

According to Chris, labeling reinforces positive emotions and diffuses negative emotions.

For example, on the first day of his negotiation seminar, Chris asked for volunteers to role-play with him. To diffuse their fear, he said:

In case you're worried about volunteering to role-play with me in front of the class, I want to tell you in advance... it's going to be horrible.

After that, they were able to present in the class without fear.

This is also a powerful principle of copywriting but more on that next time…

That’s all for today.

I’d love to finish the book in this post, but I have to catch a train to Ulm today.

See you next Thursday.