The Subtle Art of Gentle Persuasion
How to influence someone (without them noticing)
June 29th, 2023 — Hamburg, Germany
Hey👋 welcome back to Woody’s World!
Today, I’d like to talk to you about how to influence someone without building resistance or resentment.
I came to this realization because nine months ago, my girlfriend wanted me to do a very specific action. Which I didn’t want to do.
But after months of me not changing my behavior, she did something really simple which immediately caused me to change my behavior, effortlessly, without any resistance
Ironically, since I became a Salesman, the same tactic gf instinctively used on me was the first lesson in our training.
.That’s when I realized, sales is an incredibly powerful which you can use to shape your reality
If you implement this simple lesson, you will never argue with your girlfriend, husband, or business partner in the same way. Instead, you’ll have a tool to avoid arguments and get to the truth effortlessly.
It all started nine months ago…
Sept. 2022 — The Facewash Incident
Last year, my girlfriend wanted me to use facewash.
I had been complaining about my acne. But I never did anything about it. So Jeanne really wanted me to wash my face at night.
She even bought me a bottle of her fancy facewash.
But I didn’t open it for a month. It just sat there. Until one day, she asked me a question.
Jeanne: "Connor, just curious, if you like a certain behavior and you want someone to keep doing, how would you react?
Connor: "I would probably give them positive reinforcement and tell them I like it when they do that."
Jeanne: "Gotcha, and if you did something nice for me, and I completely ignored it, would you want to do it again?”
Connor: “Probably not.”
Jeanne: “How do you think I feel about the facewash?”
That night I washed my face
It was that simple.
Instead of us arguing about the facewash, she simply asked me questions.
And I changed my behavior on my own without her ever telling me what to do!
Why is this so powerful?
If you want to change someone’s mind, the key is to use strategic questions.
In other words, the Socratic Method.
It’s the most effective way to reliably persuade someone without triggering their residence.
There are two key reasons why this works so well.
1. Internal pressure
This is a sales concept I first learned from Cole Gordon.
In a nutshell, there are two kinds of pressure.
External pressure
Internal pressure
External comes from the outside. Things like:
“Wash your face”
“Buy now for 50% off”
External pressure is not inherently bad. It’s just that we humans are stubborn. We don’t want to be told what to do and we all desire a sense of autonomy.
That’s where internal pressure comes in handy.
When you can trigger genuine internal pressure within someone, and help them make the best decision for themselves, they will change their behavior without building resistance towards you.
2. Consistency Bias
This is how you cause internal pressure.
In Influence, Dr. Cialdini describes consistency bias as one of the most powerful motivators of human behavior:
It is, quite simply, our nearly obsessive desire to be (and to appear) consistent with what we have already done. Once we have made a choice or taken a stand, we will encounter personal and interpersonal pressures to behave consistently with that commitment. Those pressures will cause us to respond in ways that justify our earlier [decision, action or statement].
And so, if you can ask your questions in a specific way, you will trigger this reaction in others.
When Jeanne asked me those two questions, it simply became illogical for me to do anything other than wash my face - unless I wanted to contradict myself!
Imagine the Opposite
But imagine the opposite.
Imagine a world in which Jeanne nagged me to wash my face. Or yelled at me for ignoring her gift. I probably would’ve thrown the face wash in the bin.
Failure to apply the Socratic method almost always results in frustration and lost arguments.
How to use this in goal oriented communication (sales)
When you use the Socratic Method, you must start with the end in mind.
Otherwise, your questions may lead you both in the wrong direction.
On a sales call, I once asked a male prospect, how does your wife feel about you starting to make money online?
Oh yeah she hates it. She’s super conservative and wants me to stop immediately.
That was the last time I asked that question.
What’s your desired outcome?
Because your goals determine your questions.
To sell?
To win a friend?
To change their mind?
This same technique can be applied to make washing your face OR not washing your face seem like the right move.
Start Broad, move narrow
As a general rule of thumb, I’ve found it helpful to start with more open ended questions:
I guess, like ultimately, what’s the goal?
Could you tell me, maybe, what’s your biggest challenge with that right now?
Then narrow in with more pointed questions.
Gotcha, so you want more flexibility, do you feel like XYZ would give you that?
In what way though?
I see, and you mentioned your wife, just curious, she’s probably pretty supportive of you increasing your earning potential, no?
More on how to use “probing” questions to dig deeper to an emotional level:
Note on Ethics
It goes without saying, use this powerful tool for good causes.
If you use it to screw people over, sell them a junk product, or corner them into a bad decision, you guarantee that will be your last interaction with that person.
And the most persuasive thing you can do, in repeated games, is be ethical, tell the truth, and help other people win so they invite you to the next game.
That’s the 80/20 on how to use the Socratic Method to improve your daily life.
I hope it helps you as much as it has helped me.
Please let me know what you think here. Evil or Effective?
P.S. I once wrote a viral Twitter Thread about the Socratic Method. It was a banger. Check it out here:
https://twitter.com/CopyWriteConnor/status/1625436418624434177
Thanks for reading!
For the past few months or so I've been thinking about the importance of asking questions. More so for interrogating any negative feelings I have, so I can figure out what's going on without judgment or trying to "just get through it." But asking more questions seems to be the proper protocol for quite a few facets of life. It lends to a genuine curiosity and respect rather than feeling one has the right enforce their will on another.
I appreciate your ending on ethics as well. Sales still has a slimy stigma to it, so it's nice to hear about how being ethical will help you in the long game instead of going to numbers in the moment.
Thanks for sharing.