This post will be about becoming a better communicator. In Nassim Taleb's "Skin in the Game," he recommends optimizing via negativa because humans are better at identifying what is wrong rather than what is right. Thus, we will begin with some things I have been working towards removing from my speech.
Dont Say These Things
"You're wrong!"
Have you ever changed your mind because someone said, "You're wrong!" Probably not, so why would it change someone else's? The better approach is to ask them questions like, "Why do you believe that?" Then you also save yourself from looking like a fool if you are the wrong one.
"But + Negative."
Compare:
"I'd like to come see you, but I don't have the time."
"I don't have time to see you today, but I would like to see you on Friday.
In the first example, the "but" negates the first half of the sentence, and only the second half is remembered. So "Positive thing + but + negative thing" builds up anticipation and then shatters it. Instead, it can be more effective to address negative things directly and be specific with how we plan to make up for them.
"Just" wanted to ask
Saying "just" when asking for favors may sound meek and unconfident.
Compare:
"I just wanted to ask you when the homework is due."
"Would you please let me know when the homework is due?"
"To be honest"
If I pretext part of my speech with "TBH," what does that say about the rest of my message?
Negative things (as much as possible)
The bearer of bad news becomes associated with the bad news, so don't associate yourself with negative things. We say, "Don't shoot the messenger." for a reason. Of course, the opposite holds for good news.
Pheidippides, bearer of good news
No problem(as you're welcome)
Firstly, "problem" is a negative association, so it is silly to associate yourself with it. Secondly, it sounds ungrateful to imply the default is a problem.
Use: "You're Welcome"
"I have to [X]"
This is also about gratitude. You have to wait in line at the airport? The airport is a funny example because flying is a luxury, but we get so fussy there. Last Christmas, I was miserable at an airport, until I realized my mental state was in my control and had the best 6 hours of my life but more on that in another post.
Use: I am going to or I can
He/she made me ..(negative emotion)
This is ineffective speech because it is a lie. In the end, we are responsible for our own emotions. However, to a certain extent, people do rub off on us, so it is still a good idea to avoid chronically unhappy and negative people.
"You always/never do that!"
The other day my brother shot down two of my ideas in a row, so I said, "Why do you always try to prove me wrong? The second I said it, I realized it was not the truth. He may often try to prove me wrong, but he doesn't always do it. By saying people always/never do something, we tell untruths and make people defensive.
Untruths
Lying is the least effective form of communication, in my opinion. I wrote an essay on telling the truth here, which will be translated into English soon:
Now, here are some other optimizations I am working on:
Speak less
People enjoy talking with people who let them speak. Also, when we speak less, people misunderstand us less often. Thirdly, we learn more from listening than speaking. More on how to make others feel comfortable speaking to you here:
Last Saturday, I returned to my local German restaurant to bus tables. After closing, I was eating sauerbraten with red cabbage, when my brother texted me he was at a party with a friend of mine from college. Although I didn't know the host very well, I wanted to catch up with my friend, so I rode my bike to the party.
German Restaurant
When I got there, I introduced myself to the host and saw some old friends from high school. Finally, I found the friend I wanted to see, and she asked how my year of travel had been. After a bit of banter, we were interrupted before I heard about her year. The result was I became even more curious to discover what she had been doing.
Building curiosity and anticipation into your communication fits well with the "speak less" point. There is no need to be in a rush to tell our story. Anyways, when I finally got the chance to hear about her year, I learned how she creatively landed a new job, and as mentioned before, from listening, we can learn more.
Mirroring
I have a friend who, at age 21, is making million-dollar real estate deals in Los Angeles. He is an innate expert in mirroring. For example, when I teach him a new word in German or Chinese he can repeat it back with a perfect accent on the first try. To mirror people, use the same words and style of speech as them. It sounds borderline manipulative, but most likable people do it intuitively.
For example, if you are with a young kid who says, "That was dope, dude!" You can say, "Yeah, dude, that was dope," or if you are with an older person who says "Top of the Morning," you can say "Top of the Morning" back. People feel subconsciously flattered by mirroring, so watch out for when people do it to you. However, intentional mirroring can also go too far and be off-putting—especially between different ethnic groups.
Mirroring Side Note: We can also use mirroring in body language. Body Language Mirroring is the natural tendency during a good conversation with someone, but more on that in the upcoming body language essay
Contrast
Always use contrast. A 100 dollar watch looks cheap next to a 1000 dollar watch yet expensive next to a 10 dollar watch. Enough said.
Association
Pair what you like with what other people like. If you want to go eat tuilips in Amsterdam, and your boyfriend loves to ride bikes, you can say, “Wanna go to Amsterdam? The bike infrastructure is amazing there!”
Define the Options
By defining the options, you can ensure a favorable outcome. I do this with my young students all the time. Maybe I'll ask,
"Do you want to play a reading game or a listening game?"
This creates a sense of autonomy over the lesson, yet I chose both options. I see no ethical problem with this as long as the options are oriented towards the other person's interest as well. It is also a good idea to do this with adults when asking to schedule meetings.
Generously Use Other People’s Names
Most people know this but it is worth repeating.
“A person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language” - Dale Carnegie.
In Conclusion
This is a nonexhaustive list, and I will be adding to it in the coming months. If you have any other ways to become a better communicator, I would appreciate your comment below. Thank you for reading.
All makes good sense . Love the airport . That really is a game changer
Great advice, Connor! Definitely going to implement these tips into my life.
Love the blog! So professional. Love it all. Keep on keeping on!
Thanks, Cousin